For Better or Worse
by This Guilty Blood
Summary: Bella made a choice that ripped her away from her soul mate. Can she come to terms with her decision?   Tissue alert.  OOC and A/H - this is not the book ;
1. Chapter 1

Many thanks to my incredibly talented Beta, Feralness-is-me.

(1)

I stand in front of the mirror, willing myself to clip the last jewelled earing in place.

This is it; this is the day that I will marry Jacob Black. I should be excited, thrilled, giddy with love, and I am…but it's not as strong as I thought it would be.

My phone trills on my night stand, the tone that is assigned for only one person. I've not heard the sound for months now; it only plays when _he_ calls.

I stare at it, willing it to be eaten by a massive black hole, or to spontaneously combust. It does neither.

Finally, I pick it up, flip it open and put it to my ear. I don't greet the caller, if I do, I will sob and beg him to come to me. I can't do that. I love Jacob.

There is silence, neither of us have to speak; each knows what the other is thinking. Finally, with a heavy sigh he cries out, "Please, Bella, don't do this. I love you—I've always loved you."

I nod; knowing he can't see me doesn't make it easier. I will have to answer him eventually. And I do, "I love you too, doesn't change anything. Good bye, Edward."

I disconnect the call, hold in the power key. The handset turns off. I turn back to the mirror just as my best friend walks in to place my veil on my head.

"You've been crying," it's a statement, not a question. I don't answer.

She sees the discarded phone lying haphazardly on the table, and her eyes narrow.

"It's not too late, you know," it's a whisper. This subject is taboo; we don't discuss him, ever.

I wipe my eyes. "We have to leave soon. Do you have that veil?"

Her eyes flicker downward—I know she is sensing my pain. Silently I berate myself; I had said goodbye to any future Edward and I could have shared twelve months ago.

I'd loved him since before I knew what love was, and to him, I'd always been his annoying sister; the one his parents never gave him. At least, that's what I'd thought.

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><p>These chapers will be short - next update, tomorrow :D Tell me what you think, xx Beibs<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

My Beta is Feralness-is-me, she's a pretty awesome friend too ;)

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><p>(2)<p>

The chapel is large, built in the early 1900's; its clay walls are washed in a bright white. It's beautiful.

At the ornate, wooden door, I clutch tightly to Charlie's arm. They are flung open; Alice kisses me once on the cheek before making the trip down to where my fiancé awaits.

She is a vision in flowing silver satin; the massive stilettoes she wears make her much taller than her natural five foot nothing.

I can think of no one I want beside me today more than her.

Finally, she reaches the end of the isle, then the music swells, changes pace, and I know it's my turn.

"You ready for this, Bells?" my father asks, adjusting my veil in place.

I nod my head once and squeeze his hand. It's a good thing that it's acceptable for a bride to cry.

I round the corner of the nave and enter the church. There, at the end of the isle, in a crisp, black suit, is the man that loves me more than anyone in this world… almost.

He's smile is blinding. I see his best friend, Quill, pat him on the shoulder in a brotherly gesture of congratulations.

One hundred and thirty four steps. That is how long it takes me to reach him, and as soon as I do, he encases both of my hands in his. I look up at the man I love, and for the first time in hours, I smile.

I love Jacob; I can't wait to be his wife.

It takes fifteen minutes. I repeat after the minister; I promise to love, honour, cherish and above all be faithful. Jacob places the plain band on my finger.

It is done; I'm officially Mrs Jacob Black.

I smile widely for the camera, for my friends and family, and for myself.

We are whisked away for countless photos, and barely have a moment to talk.

Finally, I am wrapped up in the joy of this day; in the promise of a happy future.

I love Jacob Black.


	3. Chapter 3

**Feralness-is-me**, I'm gonna slop all over her every chapter - cos , she is pretty darn awesome! If you aren't reading **Cliches & Euphamisms**, you're really missing a kick ass story. You can find a link in my faves ;)

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><p>(3)<p>

The sun beats down on the white sand.

This, right here; this is paradise.

I curl closer into my husband, rest my head on his chest, and listen to the slow steady beat of his heart.

The beach is practically deserted—only resort patrons are allowed on it. Besides Jake and myself, there is a guy standing back, just on the fringe of the forest. He's there to cater to our every whim. I have to say, I've been enjoying the daiquiris rather a lot.

By day, Jacob and I swim in turquoise waters; we take in the beauty of the reef that surrounds the island; we laze on the beach drinking from coconuts and wrap ourselves together for long afternoon naps.

By night, we make love for hours on end in our over water bungalow. He knows just what to do to make my toes curl.

We are not careful.

I was brought up in a catholic home, and while we didn't heed most practices there were a few that resonated deep within me. I knew from an early age that I would never have children out of wedlock; I wanted my children and I to share a last name with their father. I also knew that I would only marry once. Divorce is a gigantic no-no in my book. Don't get me wrong, I don't have issues with other people doing it, but for me, marriage means more than just a piece of paper.

The day Jacob proposed to me, I told him of my feelings. In reply, he swooped me into his arms and told me if I said yes to him, that he would never, ever let me go.

I smile at the memory, and at the bronzed man who held me so securely in his arms.

There was never any question about Jake; he is honest, reliable, warm, and no matter what, he was there for me. I know I'm a lucky woman to have him.

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><p>I know this is another super short one, we wiill get a touch longer soon, i promise.<p>

I had an anonymous reviewer last chapter, I'm really sorry I can't reply to your review personally - because it was honestly the nicest thing anyone has reviewed with - ever. So, to whoever you are, thank you so much for your kind words, they mean the world to me. And in reply to your question - yes I am continuing with MO, its simply that the chapters require rather a lot more work than these, so they do take a little longer. Also I am _trying_ to create a bit of a back log of work, before I post again :)

xx


	4. Chapter 4

Feralness is-me, is a great beta, she holds my hand and blubbers over this story, and I heart her to bits!

Seems the in thing to do is mention the obvious - I don't own Twilight, unless you count the three copys in my personal library?

(4)

The flight home is long, the seats more than a little uncomfortable. We splurged on the holiday to Mauritius, so economy flights were the only way we were getting home.

It was worth it.

Coming back home to grey skies, rain, and fog didn't seem like an omen to me. It was a fact of life; in Forks, it rained.

My skin was kissed a beautiful bronze, my hair still smelled slightly of coconut oil; it was pulled back in a bunch of tight little braids—something I'd wanted to have done for a long time. And even though the flight was long and I probably stunk to high heaven, I felt beautiful.

Back in Forks, a new house awaited us. While we were gone, our friends had plastered it in a fresh coat of paint, disposed of all the old furniture, and installed all of the lovely new appliances that Jake and I had been gifted on our wedding day.

My new kitchen sparkled; I was officially in love.

The weeks were a whirlwind of dinners and parties; held by our friends and families welcoming us home and into our new lives. In all of the excitement, it was easy to shove away the more gloomy thoughts that often ran rampant in my mind. My whole being was focused on Jacob and the future we were steadily building.

As our lives settled back in to a semblance of normalcy, I began to feel a yearning deep inside of me. Part of my being felt empty; a large piece of my heart, vacant.

I did what most new wives do; I went to my husband and told him I wanted to start trying for a baby.

Surely, the rip I felt in my soul would be healed with a gurgling little bundle of joy.

"Really, Bella? Are you sure? I mean, don't you want to have some time to just—you know—enjoy this?"

Not the answer I was hoping for, but really, I should have expected it. Jacob has about as much common sense as a salamander when it comes to feelings.

He is a loving guy, for sure—so long as no one is looking, that is.

"I think it's probably a good idea if we start small, you know, like a puppy. I'd say a plant, but we both know you won't look after it, and I'll be left doing all the work."

I sigh; it is common knowledge that I, Bella Swan, am the laziest person on the planet, completely incapable of looking after anything or anyone.

But it isn't worth fighting with him over it, so with a fake smile, I reply in my sweetest voice, "Sure, Jake. Whatever you think."

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><p>Only two reviews last chapter! was it that bad?<p>

xx Beibs


	5. Chapter 5

My eternal thanks to my wonderful beta and friend Feralness is-me, and to all of you that read and review this little story of mine :D

(5)

'_Bella, pool party, my place. 6ish? Bring beer and a sleeping bag :D' _

The text message makes me smile; it had been a while since I'd had the chance to catch up with all of my friends. Jake makes no secret of the fact that he dislikes ninety per cent of them.

I decide that I could do with a girl's night out, so knowing he'll say no, I dial up my husband's cell.

"Yo!"

Not 'Hi, baby'. Not, 'I've been thinking about you', but, 'Yo'.

My jaw clenches.

"Hey babe, do we have any plans for tonight?" I ask sweetly.

"Other than you cooking me dinner, nope." He laughs; it irritates me to no end, but I refuse to let it show.

He thrives off my irritation, you see. Always doing something to provoke me into a rage that he thinks is 'cute'.

"Oh, cool. It's just that Ali is having a pool party tonight, and everyone is going to be there. I was thinking of going. You're more than welcome too, of course," I tack on obligatorily.

Jake just huffs. "You mean you're going to leave me home alone all night? What will I eat for dinner?"

Food, it's always about the damn food.

"There is a TV dinner in the deep freeze, I can grab it out if you want. Or better yet, you could come too!"

"Is Edward going to be there?"

The question is inevitable. Jake, Edward and I went to the same school—though we had hung out in completely different crowds. Of all my friends, Jake hates Edward the most, and he often goes out of his way to remind me of it.

"I don't know, Jake. I didn't ask," is my reply, though there is no doubt in my mind that he will be there.

"I think I'll pass. You go on and have a good time; I'll hang out with the boys, and don't worry about the TV dinner, we will grab a pizza."

Permission granted; I fly up the stairs and jump into the shower. I'll have to be meticulous in my preparations for tonight; I know I'll be seeing Edward.

Edward; my heart soars just at thinking his name. It amazes me just how much I actually miss him.


	6. Chapter 6

As always a big thanks to my beta, whom has now changed her pen name. A warm round of applause for BoosBoys :D  
>Also a shout out to my wonderful friend Readingmama AKA Vampmama, just for being her awesome self.<p>

And to Min, who is always so encouraging in her reviews and her FB posts asing me to hurry up and post. On with the show :D

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><p>(6)<p>

My hair is up in a loose pony tail, an extra layer of water proof mascara frames my eyes, and my lips are nude, bar a swipe of lip gloss. It's a pool party, but Alice won't tolerate people dressed like slobs.

I'd pick out my most flattering bikini; it's black with silver beads swirling around the cups. It's my favourite.

Cosmo in hand, I make my way to the banana lounge, that surrounds the glimmering pool, and arrange myself artfully along it. I'm thankful that Alice's family are completely loaded—the ground outside is blanketed in snow, but here in the pool house, it's a toasty thirty degrees.

All around me people are laughing, having fun. Alice is wrapped around her newest fashion accessory; a leonine, blonde man with a thick southern accent. She introduces him as Major Jasper Whittlock.

I have to admit, he's very handsome and clearly besotted by her.

"Belly! How goes it, Chica?" Emmett's going through a Mexican faze. Frijoles, Essay, and Holmes, are his new favourite words.

I smile widely at the guy; he really is a loveable giant, and one of the best friends you could ask for.

Jake hates him too.

"Goin' all right, Em," I answer, raising my glass high in the air.

"Good to hear, Bells. We been missin' you around here, girl. You don't come around enough."

There's a reason for that, though I'll never tell him—I don't want to hurt him.

"I'll try harder, Emmett." I laugh as he waves, making a beeline for the beer.

I know exactly when he sits down next to me, not because I'd been watching for him, or because he spoke. But because of the hum that always resonated between us; magnets being pulled together.

"Hey" I mutter, not turning my head.

"Hey yourself, Mrs Black," he spits out. He's hurt; I can hear it in his voice.

There's nothing I can do, not really.

"I can't believe you did it," he mutters so quietly I almost miss it. "Where is your doting husband, Bella?"

"Probably sitting on the couch at home. He didn't want to come," I tell him honestly.

He must have picked up something in my voice, because before I can move, he's in front of me; searching my face.

"Are you okay, baby?" he asks it with such sincerity, my insides hurt.

I want nothing more than to reach out to him, to have him fold me in his arms; just like he would have before all of this. But that's selfish.

"I'm okay, Edward." Maybe if I say it enough, I'll believe it myself.

"Are you happy?" he whispers, tucking a loose strand of hair back behind my ear.

I duck my head, not knowing what to say.

"Sometimes," I eventually choke out. "Most of the time…"

_When I'm not thinking about you._

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><p><em>Ep!<br>_


	7. Chapter 7

As always a big thank you to my Beta and Friend, Boo's Boys, you can find her stuff here www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/u/2860538/Boos_Boys

I strongly suggest checking out Cliches and Euphemisms, I get to pre-read on it, and let me tell you, it all sorts of awesome!

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><p>(7)<p>

"I begged you not to do it, Bella. I begged you. This is a mistake, you don't belong with him." He is pleading now, holding on to my hands in a death grip.

"He will never get you like I do." This last statement actually manages to piss me off.

"You know what, Edward. I'm done with this. You had all the time in the world, you could have asked me out. Damn it, you wouldn't even go with me to the prom you bastard. All that crap, 'I don't wanna ruin this.' Well guess what? You did. And I'm done."

I stand then, scoop up my little bag and my now empty cocktail glass. It's time for another drink.

Somehow I manage to ignore his heavy gaze, I accept congratulations on my marriage, I dance with old friends, drink amazing cocktails and even manage to relax a little. And even thought Edwards presence weighs on me, I do my best to put him out of my mind. I've made my choice, and I love my husband; this is my mantra now.

Five Vodka's, two flaming Sambuca's and far too many jaeger bombs later, I'm smiling, laughing at everything and dying for a smoke. I excuse myself from my circle of friends and head out to the balcony, lighting up as soon as I step through the glass doors. I inhale deeply, the nicotine swirls with the alcohol that is already clouding my head and my inhibitions. I sigh with contentment.

"You're avoiding me." The deep timber of his voice makes me jump, nearly dropping my cigarette in the process.

"Really, you picked up on that huh? Tell me, what gave me away?" when all else fails, sarcasm reigns supreme.

"Don't be like that. I came out here to apologise. You know, more than anything else, you're my best friend. I get it, you chose Jake, and I won't pretend I'm cool with that, 'cos I'm not. But, I will respect it, I will respect you. I don't want to lose you completely, Bella." His voice dripped with sincerity, there was no room to doubt him.

He stepped forward, very slowly, and wrapped me in his arms. Filling me with a warmth and comfort all of its own. These arms meant safety, security, honesty, and yes; love.

He leaned down, placed a small kiss on top of my head, his hands running along the planes of my back. I melted into him, taking all the comfort he was offering, and as usual, selfishly not thinking of how this might affect him.

"I miss you, E." I mumble into his shirt, I can't help myself, it is after all the truth.

"I'm right here, Belly Button.

"Don't call me that." I gently admonish, playfully swatting him on the chest. Im rewarded with his laugh, deep and throaty vibrating throughout his body. I find myself hoping that maybe, just maybe, we can find a way out of this mess, and salvage some of our messed up relationship.

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><p>Thanks to all that read and review, and to all of you who have favorited or put me on your alerts. Happy Halloween!<p> 


	8. Chapter 8

Many thanks to my wonderful friend and beta Boo's Boy's. She is all sorts of awesome. This chapter is dedicated to Min - just cos i flove her.

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><p>~Four years earlier~<p>

"Bella, I'm serious, put a fucking jacket on!" Edward is pissed, and I think its immensely funny.

"What's the matter Eddy, you worried someone might like what they see?" I live for this, it's our game you see, we love to torture each other. There is no question about how this night is going to go down, I'm going to strut my skinny little ass into that nightclub and flirt with the hottest guy I can find. Edward isn't going to be able to hold in his possessive streak, and even though he is here with miss tall, dumb and blonde, he is going to ditch her and drag me home with him.

She will be history before she even knows what's hit her.

"I don't want your jacket, Eddy, give it to Kirstein." I call, flashing the bouncer my ID and sauntering into the overcrowded club.

"It's Kelly, bitch!" I hear her yell.

Mistake number one Kathy, don't fuck with the bestie. You cannot win.

My original plan to find a hottie is dropped, immediately, bimbo needs to be taught a lesson – Edward Cullen, is property of Bella Swan – period.

I flit to the bar, buy two Jacks and Coke, strong –bimbo is under age, and even if she weren't, I wouldn't spend a dime on her.

Edward smiles gratefully when I hand him the cool liquid, "Bells, you always know just how to make me happy." He purrs, wrapping an arm around my waist.

I lean in to his jaw line, nibble on his ear lobe. "Will you dance with me?" I whisper, leaning myself in perilously close. There are no boundries between Edward and I, and truth be told, we walk a very fine line between friendship, and something more.

He doesn't hesitate, he puts his drink down on the table, takes mine from my hand and does the same. "Watch our drinks for a bit Kel." He throws to the blonde, who stands at the table looking like a thunder cloud ready to explode. I wiggle my fingers at her over my man's shoulder – that's right, he's mine bitch.

Out on the dance floor, the music is thumping, there is a strong base line that has everybody grinding together It's a sea of sweat, lust and depravity. Edward pulls me in close, one hand is slung low on my hip, his crotch grinds into my ass. I know that the bimbo is watching, I push myself into him firmly, Edward growls, low and guttural. His hands are roaming now, the scrap of fabric I'd decided was a skirt was short enough that if I bent over, he'd be flashed an eye full of my black lace thong. That isn't necessary though, he travels his hand up my thigh, slowly seeking out his reward.

He is half a centremeter under my hem line, and I'm panting with want when he stops and leans down to me.

"I know what you're doing." He laughs.

I spin around; wrap my arms around his neck. "What am I doing? I'm dancing with my best friend." I answer innocently, making him laugh loudly.

"No, Belly, you're letting me feel you up on a dance floor to piss Kelly off. I'm not stupid."

Perhaps not but she is.

My fingers tangle in his hair, I pull him down closer to me, "I don't like her." I tell him honestly. His beautiful face crinkles into a frown, I see him look over my shoulder to where she is undoubtably staring at us from the sidelines.

"I have a feeling she isn't going to be a problem for much longer anyway," He mutters.

I stand up on my toes, place a small kiss on his lips, "You can do better anyway, E."

Like with me… I don't say it, but it's there, hanging in the air between us. I'm certain he knows how I feel. I'm certain he feels the same way.

The song ends, he grabs my hand, tows me back towards the table. He doesn't pick up his drink, but he does grab his jacket, shoots an apologetic look at his so called girlfriend. "I've gotta go. Do you need a lift?" He asks her.

"But, Eddy, we just got here!"

Mistake number two bimbo, only I get to call him Eddy. He jumps on it straight away, "My name is Edward. Only she calls me Eddy." It comes out harsh, and she blanches.

"Don't worry about it _Edward, _I'll find my own way home. Don't bother calling me." And with that she strides off.

"Come on baby, let's go home." Not one flicker of emotion crosses his face, and for an instant, I feel bad. But then I take his hand, and we are weaving back through the sea of people and getting into his car.

One day soon, Edward Cullen would be mine, and only mine. One day, I won't have to share him.

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><p>So, there is a little glimpse of their history! what did you think?<br>Till next time, xx Beibs.


	9. Chapter 9

"How was the party?" Jake asks the second I walk in the door.

My sunglasses fit snugly to my face, and to be honest, I feel like a metal band is playing in my head.

"Fine," I reply, without much enthusiasm and wobble my way into our bedroom.

I flop down on the bed, bury my nose in the pillows that smell faintly of Jacob's aftershave, and pray for the peaceful world of sleep to take me—and do it quickly.

It doesn't; I'm left lying on the bed, head throbbing and room spinning. I feel like crap.

An hour or so later, the bed depresses next to me. Jacob leans in and pulls the cover down from my face.

"Hey, are you asleep?" He asks.

"No, I'm sitting here with my eyes closed for the fun of it." My voice is gravelly and raspy from too many cigarettes and vodka. I can't help the irritation that comes over me.

"Okay…"

We sit in uncomfortable silence for a few minutes, before Jacob lies down next to me.

"I missed you last night." His arms wrap around me from behind, his lips run along the length of my neck.

Goose bumps break out across my skin. This should feel good. It usually does, but right now, it's alien; unwelcome; unwanted…

My body is craving a different set of arms.

I feel guilty straight away; I feel like I've betrayed my husband.

Somewhere along the line, I notice that my pillow is damp, and my body is shaking with sobs. Jacob pulls me closer, whispers something in my ear, that I'm sure is supposed to be reassuring. It's not; it makes things worse, and soon I'm dry heaving, and pulling away. I need to escape the prison of his arms.

I'm a terrible person.

"Bella, Babe, what's wrong?" His face is creased with concern.

I don't answer. I get up and flee into the guest room, locking the door behind me.


	10. Chapter 10

Just to make it easier for everyone to understand, flashbacks will now be posted in Italics :)

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><p>(10)<p>

_Edward wolf whistles from somewhere behind me. "Nice pins, Swan!"_

_I giggle and spin in a small circle, angling my calf muscles just so._

_I've just returned from Florida, after a week away with my mom, and was sporting the best tan of my life._

_"Very nice," he purrs, putting his hands on my waist and picking me up. He pulls me in tight; I wrap my arms and legs around him, and cling to him like he might vanish._

_"Did you miss me, Belly Bug?" He laughs._

_I slap him playfully. "Of course I missed you; there was no one in Florida to fend off my many admirers."_

_At this, he frowns, and puts me down in front of him. His eyes flicker, and I know he is wondering who I've been with, and what I've been doing._

_"Chill, Bill, no one laid a finger on me." I roll my eyes, and stepp back into the circle of his arms, hugging him tight._

_"Get a room, assholes," Emmett shouts, lumbering his overgrown self between us. He swats my ass playfully as he goes by, earning a nasty look from Edward in the process._

_I just giggle; I love my boys._

_"Are you staying tonight?" Edward asks, his eyes downcast._

_"Well, I guess that depends. Are you making me sleep on the floor?" I grin, knowing that he would never, ever subject me to that._

_"Well, maybe, but only if you start snoring in my ear again!" He retorts playfully. "Come on, I've got a bottle of that vodka you like, and I'm pretty sure there is a two litre Dr Pepper with your name on it."_

_"Oh, now you're speaking my language!"_

_1:15; that's what time Edward's house finally emptied out. His sisters head to their rooms with their various boyfriends; leaving just Edward and I._

_The night is getting cold, and I shiver in my tight tank and skirt. Edward has settled into a deep chair, so I delicately fold myself into his lap for warmth. Automatically, he wraps himself around me, rubbing up and down the length of my freezing cold arms. I reach forward for his deck of PJ's, extract one, and light it up._

_"Jessica broke up with me last week," he mumbles out of nowhere._

_I choke on my smoke, and spin in his lap to face him. "What the hell happened?"_

_Casually he shrugs, as if it's no big deal his girlfriend of six months has suddenly bailed._

_"She asked me to choose." He doesn't have to explain further; I know what he means.._

_This is an issue we both struggled with; jealous partners that can't deal with their significant other having a best friend of the opposite sex._

_We have an unspoken agreement, that nothing or no one will separate us._

_No one is as important as either of us._

_"I'm sorry, babe. Is there anything I can do?" I ask, wrapping my arms around him._  
><em>He buries his face in my hair and nods slowly, breathing deeply.<em>

_"What is it? Tell me, E, you know I'd do anything for you." I mean it too; I hate seeing him in pain. Worse still, I hate being the cause of it._

_"Stay with me tonight?" He finally mumbles, before leaning in and nuzzling my neck._

_It isn't the fact that he asked me to stay that surprises me. It is the feel of his warm lips, and soft, wet tongue on my suddenly flushed skin, that has me reeling._

_"Okay," I all but whimper._

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><p>AN: As always thanks to my awesome beta and friend - boosboy's - she is a star I tell you!  
>also just quickly this fic has been nominated in a few categories in the Short n Sweet Awards. There are some amazing authors up for awards, and im certain they'd all love your vote. check it out at http: shortnsweetawards . blogspot . com/p/voting . html - just take out the spaces.

Thank you to all that read, review, alert, fave - you guys make my day. xx


	11. Chapter 11

Things I love; Reviews, My beta and friend, Boobs, Min Gaudion, Reading Mama and YOU, yes, you right there reading this.

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><p>(11)<p>

Behind the door, I'm hyperventilating. My skin is clammy, and it feels like I have the weight of the world pushing on my shoulders. I sink to the floor, put my head between my knees and try to breathe through the panic attack.

What am I doing? I need to pull my shit together and fast!

"Bella!" Jacob is knocking on the door, asking me to let him in.

It takes me five, ten, perhaps fifteen minutes, I not sure, before I'm composed enough to get off the ground and unlock the door.

Carefully, Jacob crouches next to me, searching my face for some sort of clue about what the hell just happened.

"I'm sorry," I blurt at once.

"What was that, Bella? Are you okay? Did I do something wrong?"

I shake my head, and offer him a small smile.

"I think I drank too much last night. My whole body hurts, and, I don't know, you just startled me, I guess."

"Okay..." He looks at me sceptically. "Let's get you back to bed and get some pain killers into you then"

In one swoop, Jacob has me in his arms. He carries me back to our room, where I am promptly supplied with pain killers, water and instructions to, 'get some rest'.

When I wake, is to an empty house. There is a note from Jacob telling me that he has gone into the Office to get some extra work done, and not to expect him for dinner.

I find myself not minding too much about having a night alone. In fact, I decide it's just what I need.

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><p>an; thanks for sticking with me :)


	12. Chapter 12

Its come to my attention that i've been a bit of a wally and posted my un-beta'd chapters *sigh* what a douche - any who, I will replace them - once i get the fab Boo's Boys to look over them again - sorry guys - my beta is fab, I tend to make dumb mistakes *sigh* Thank you for sticking with me :D

Reminder : Chapters that are all in Italics are memories :D xoxo Beibs.

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><p><em>Sometime in the mid-morning I realise I'm warm, excessively warm. There is an arm wrapped around my waist, and I can feel a long, taught, and muscular wall of man behind me. It takes a few moments for me to remember I'm in Edward's bed. I stretch out and smile widely. <em>

_I love waking up in Edward's arms. _

_He stirs slightly from behind me, pulling me closer. It's then that I'm rewarded with the feel of his glorious morning wood pressed firmly against my butt. I can't help myself; I grind back into him, rubbing myself shamelessly on his hard body._

_He groans lightly, and flexes his hips. _

_I grin wider._

_It's not long before Edward's hand is snaking further up my body. His fingers brush lightly below my breasts; my blood begins to heat and my heart speeds up. _

_My hand is a magnet, and his crotch is my destination. _

_I reach behind me, brushing against the length of the tent in his boxers. He thrusts firmly into my hand, and I roll over into the circle of his arms, brush a kiss on his neck, and throw my leg over his hips._

_I've lost any semblance of control, and somewhere deep inside I know this is crossing a line, but I can't find it in me to care. He is just so damn big that the logical part of my brain has been muted, cuffed, and chained while my libido runs wild. _

_His hands are roaming my body now, one firmly placed on my left breast, the other heading south rapidly. I lift myself, not interested in trying to play coy. I want this, and I want it now. _

_"Edward," I breathe, panting hard. _

_"Mmmmm." His lips are occupied, raining kisses on my neck._

_"Do you have a condom?" I moan out. _

_Suddenly his hand is lifted off my breast, while the one in my pants is ripped away quicker that hot wax on an eyebrow. _

_His eyes fly open. "Bella? Shit, I'm so sorry." He looks horrified. _

_"What? Why?" I move closer, and run my hand along his toned chest. _

_He brings his own down, stopping me in my tracks. _

_"You know we can't do this," he groans, then jumps out of the bed and flees into his ensuite, while I'm left confused and unsatisfied in his bed. _

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><p><em>UGH, E! WTF! who feels bad for poor widdle Bella ?<br>_


	13. Chapter 13

Welcome back guys! Thanks to all who read and review! Thanks as always to my beta Boosboys- she rocks my socks off!

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><p>"Bella? Are you home?" Jacob calls from the front door<p>

"Yep, I'm in the lounge." Shouting isn't necessary; he is a total of ten steps from me.

He glances up at that wall clock and frowns.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm enjoying my day off," I tell him honestly.

"Have you done any housework today?" His face is crinkled now; creased with irritation.

"Nope," I reply, popping the p.

"So, you've sat on your computer all day, and haven't bothered to get dinner ready or do any washing? Do I have any clean work clothes?" he asks in exasperation.

"I don't know, Jacob. To be honest, your clothes were the last thing on my mind today."

"Right, I guess I just thought you'd be a bit of a wife while you were home."

My eyes narrow, and I glare at him.

"Excuse me?"

"Well, Bella, I've been at work all day, and now I come home to find you sitting on your fat ass doing nothing. Sorry if I'm a bit pissed off!" he fires at me.

I stand up, throw my hands on my hips and glare harder.

"I can't believe you just said that!" I whisper.

"Yeah, well deal with it!" he shouts and stomps from the room.

I'm not interested in hanging around and dealing with his shit, so I scoop up my keys and walk right out the door. I don't bother to slam it; I just leave quietly.

Perhaps a night alone will make him realise what the heck he just did.

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><p>Merry Christmas guys!<p> 


	14. Chapter 14

AN: as always, thank you to my friend and beta Boo's Boys, she holds my hand and comforts me when I have mental breakdowns over god knows what - and she fixes my epic mistakes! Whats not to love!

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><p>"He did not say you're fat!" Alice is angry. It's a sight to behold; a four-foot-nothing, wisp of a girl in a complete rage. "If you don't do it, I will kill that asshole," she seethes.<p>

It makes me feel better knowing that I'm not over reacting. "No, really, he did. God, Alice, what if…." I can't continue, the thought is too painful.

"What he did, was it really that bad, Bella? I mean I know we don't talk about him… but, I'm worried about you."

I sigh, and hide my face in my hands. I love Alice, she is the only woman I'm even remotely close with really, but Edward is a topic that I never, ever discuss with her. I don't need her knowing just how screwed up we are.

"It was pretty bad, Alice. And you know I don't think it's right to bag on your brother with you. I'd hate to say something that would mean you picked a side," I mutter.

"You're just both so damn miserable. Jake treats you like a common house maid and Edward, gah! Don't even get me started on him! You're as bad as each other, and it seems to me that there is an easy solution, Bella. You're just too pig headed to see it!"

Immediately my defences rise. Alice doesn't know the specifics, she doesn't know that three quarters of my heart is a dark and desolate wasteland; doesn't know that every spare second I had was devoted to her brother, and the few times he had been mine.

"Do you think I didn't try, Al? Is that it? Because if you missed the last ten years, let me remind you that I spent the whole time following him around like a lost puppy. I worshiped that man, and all I wanted was for him to stop dating those blonde skanks and give me a chance! I was the one that knew him inside and out; the one that actually had the same interests as him." By this point I am sobbing, the crack in my chest breaking wider and wider by the second.

"This is not how I pictured my life, Alice. It was supposed to be Edward, always! I never wanted anything more than I wanted your brother, let me assure you!"

"Then I don't get why you married Jake! Please, help me to understand this, Bella 'cos right now, I can't understand for the life of me, why two people who love each other so much can't be together."

"Ask him about Vanessa, Alice. I can't tell you. Not this, it's not my place."

She glowers at me for a few moments, and foolishly, really, I think she'll leave it at that. But, no, not Alice Cullen. She jumps up from her four-poster bed and takes off to the second floor of the house without so much as a word.

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!

I hadn't stopped for one moment and thought that he might be in the house. I have to get out of here, and pronto!

I'm three quarters of the way down the staircase when I realise that I have nowhere to go. I'd stormed out of my house earlier, and I really don't want to go back there with my tail between my legs. There's no way I'll be kissing Jacob's ass on this one.

I'm torn; Alice's really is the only place I can stay unless I go home.

Oh God! This is not good! I won't be strong enough to deal with a confrontation today.

I reach for the door handle, ready to turn it and flee to the relative safety of my car.

"Don't even think about it, Swan," a deep voice drifts from behind me.

Slowly I turn; surely my eyes are as wide as saucers!

I could kick myself for not realising he would be here! What the hell was I thinking?

"I," my mouth is gummy, suddenly filled with cotton, "I was just leaving, Edward."

"No, you weren't." A much smaller and more pissed off voice sounds from behind him.

"Oh crap," I mutter and trudge back up the stairs.


	15. Chapter 15

The fabulous Boo's Boys was a little tied up this week, so this chapter has been beta'd by the AMAZING ReadingMama.

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><p>Alice's sitting room all of a sudden seems much smaller, much more nerve wracking. The paisley wallpaper seems sinister somehow, as if there are pointy little ears just eavesdropping as our private pains are dissected by the Nazi in Prada.<p>

"One of you is going to talk, damn it! I'm so sick of the both of you constantly moping!" Alice yells.

I groan, flatten my palm to my face, desperately trying to block this scene out.

"Fine," she continues, "let me ask you a question, Bella, and I want a real answer. Do you, or do you not, love my brother?"

"Alice, I don't think this will help," I hedge.

"Just answer the question, B." She stares me down.

I find myself looking away from her, and into Edward's eyes. They are blank, clearly guarded, and I find myself wondering if he even knows the answer anymore. Still I won't give this to them—I cant.

"I don't see how it can possibly matter, Alice. I'm married now, remember."

This earns a full-bodied laugh from her; it's almost manic in appearance, from this tiny pixie of a woman.

"Yes, you married Mr. December, the dumbest, most unaffectionate man on the planet, because you were shit scared of the real thing that's been staring you in the face for the last – God knows how many years. What are you going to do, Bella? Spend your life with a man that, essentially, wants you to be his mother? Be miserable and pine for something you _should_ have had? I'm not sitting by and watching this train wreck any more, now answer the damn question!"

There was fire burning in her eyes now, and for half a moment, I was actually afraid of this person.

Realising defeat, I mutter a simple, "Of course I love him."

I should have known that this wouldn't be enough to satiate the she-devil, because next she spun around, poised to strike this time at Edward.

"And you! How could you let her marry that douche? I'm not even going to ask if you love her. You've loved her since before you knew what love is! How can you sit back and just let that happen? Do you realise what married people do in a marriage bed Edward? HUH?"

I can feel myself turning a deep shade of crimson at this comment. It's obvious that I'm not a virgin, but that didn't mean that Edward needs it shoved in his face.

"You two seriously need to get your shit together, because you're not just hurting each other, you're hurting Jake, and whoever it is Edward is sleeping with – it's not fair on them either."

She was right, I did need to get my shit together, the way I was behaving wasn't fair to Jake, or to Edward let alone myself.

I was about to tell her this when Edward rose to his feet, and so quickly I almost missed it, he launched his counter attack.

"Are you done, Alice? Because I'm reasonably certain that I've told you – on multiple occasions in fact, that you have no idea what you are on about. Do you think for a minute I didn't try and stop her? Do you think I'm stupid enough to let the only woman I've ever cared about walk away without even trying to have her see me the same way?"

"A phone call isn't exactly a dramatic confession of love, Edward," she shot back.

"Oh, I see. So your issue here isn't that I've failed to make Bella see that I need her, but that I didn't throw myself in front of the congregation at her wedding and publicly declare my love. Is that it? Sorry, Alice, I'd have thought you would know that isn't my style." He was becoming agitated now, and I wondered if she could see it, wondered how far she would push him.

"Bella made her choices, Alice. Now we all have to live with it – and that means you too. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have things to do." And with that he strode from the room, leaving Alice and I alone and in shock.

"Well, that didn't go at all how I'd planned," mumbles Alice, her voice contrite.

I stand immediately, and glare at my best girlfriend.

"Alice, what you did was heartless and cruel. Edward didn't deserve that." I fire at her, the rage in my body steadily building.

"Oh please, someone needs to kick the two of you up your asses."

"Seriously, Ali, you need to go and apologise to him, that was way too harsh."

She glared at me then, her eyes full of hate. "Apologise! For what, Bella? Telling the truth? I don't think so. I meant every word I said tonight, and if you're so worried about how he's doing, I suggest that you go after him, 'cos I sure as hell won't."

With that, she spun on her little heels and stormed out.

"Fuck! Fuck, fuck, FUCK! GAAAAAH!" I shout, to whom, I'm not sure, but it feels good to let some of the tension out. I realise quickly that right now, I'm totally alone. I have a husband who doesn't really love me, but considers me a live-in maid. I've pissed of my best girlfriend and screwed with her brother's heart. And to top it all off, I've hurt the only man I've ever loved.

"SHIT!" I call out one last time, stamping my foot on the ground in a childish act of defiance.

I'm sick of this mess I call a life, and know now, that it's time to do something about it.

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><p>Thanks for reading :D<p> 


	16. Chapter 16

**I sincerely apologize to my readers for the very, very late update. Between my laptop being away for repair for almost 8 weeks, and a death in my family updating has been near on impossible. That said, I will do my best to make it up to you all. I'd like to thank my incredible beta, who puts up with me writing entire chapters in past tense, when my story should be in present *smacks head* Thanks Boo's Cliches, you are a little Aussie Champion :)**

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><p><em>~16~<br>_

_Avoidance, it's the bane of my life, and something that Edward is very good at. _

_Three weeks, three weeks it's been since the fateful morning in his bed. The best friend I once knew is gone, and in his place is a staunch, unfeeling, pig of a man that refuses to acknowledge me at all. He doesn't return my calls, ignores my emails, and is mysteriously "out" whenever I drop by his house. I'm not stupid, far from it in fact; Edward Cullen is shutting me out. If I could turn the clock back to that stupid morning in his bed, I'd do it, ten times over. I miss my friend._

_With a shuddering sob I look away from the cosy scene he is making on the balcony with the new girl, Sarah. If looks could kill, the girl would be dead and buried, exhumed, burned then possibly buried again – depending on how much charity I could muster. _

"_Who the fuck does she think she is anyway, doesn't she realise that this group is by invitation only?" Rosalie, our resident bitch spits venomously. _

"_It's not her fault, Rose," I tell her dejectedly. _

"_Maybe not, but I'd like to knock the snot out of her just for touching your man, B," she says, loud enough that they both hear. _

_I stand up then, dumping my left over lunch pack in the trash. "He isn't my man, Rose. Never has been," I tell her sadly and make my way to my next class. _

_It's the end of the semester, last day of term, and I'm itching for my holidays to start. I sit in my chair meticulously taking notes on the phases of mitosis. The subject is boring, and more than a little beneath me—it's no secret that I have a knack for science._

_The moment the lecture is let out, I'm out of my chair and bee-lining for my car. I need to get the fuck out of the place before I'm faced with Edward and his girlfriend sucking face in the front seat of his car I really thought that this time would be like all the others; the shiny new toy should have lost her appeal days ago, but, no, Edward seems to hang on every word she says. _

_A violent surge of bile rises in my throat at the thought. Something has become painfully clear to me in these last few months of solitude from Edward. I've realised that I no longer think of him as my best friend. I'm in love with him – or at least, I was. With not so much as a glance from him in more than three months, I've given up hope. I no longer sit with my usual crowd in my breaks. Resigned not to appear like the pathetic ex-girlfriend, I make excuses that I need to study for my finals, that I'm so far behind I will be spending all breaks in the library. It gives me a welcome respite. _

_So, on this last day of term, I'm thankful for my waiting car and a short drive home._

_Haphazardly, I dump my backpack in the bed of my truck, then turn the lock and let myself into the ancient beast. Seat belt secured, I stick the key in the ignition only to be met with a series of halfhearted clicks._

_Great, just great. _

_I try again, once, twice, three times, and still the piece of shit won't start. I roll down the window, and release my door from the outside, scanning the car park to see who in this crowd might own a set of jumper cables. Thankfully, before I have to resort to total embarrassment, a dark skinned boy grins at me widely and holds up the red and black cables I so desperately need. _

"_Need a jump?" he asks brightly, slowly advancing over to where I stand._

"_Oh, thank God," I mutter more to myself than to the saviour with the cables. _

"_I'm Jake." He grins again. I can't help but notice the smile lines around this boy's face. _


End file.
